Last night, as Charlie and I watched a movie, worry and frustration floated through my mind. After a rough two weeks, we’re not closer to figuring out why I have constant headaches and nausea. That afternoon, we learned that something we felt sure was causing it isn’t even a factor. We are back to the drawing board.
So I was tired. Tired and frustrated that we seemed to be making progress and now everything was completely changing. Frustrated that we’re not even sure this is related to the infertility or is a completely new issue.
That very second, my mom texted me several verses out of Lamentations 3.
“I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.”
Every time my head pounds or the nausea swells, I remember this issue and my heart gets downcast. Though I certainly don’t feel totally deprived of peace or all I’d hoped for from the Lord (huge progress from a month ago!), I completely sympathize with what Jeremiah is saying — remembering my difficulties pulls down my heart.
Luckily, Jeremiah wrote the next verses:
“Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.”
My heart gets weighed down until I call to mind that I am not consumed. I am not defeated because God loves me and is compassionate to me. His faithfulness toward me is great, even in the prescence of sickness and frustration. I have to remind my heart that God is my portion — the answer to my symptoms, the relief of our worry — and I will wait for Him in quietness and trust.
“I called on your name, Lord,
from the depths of the pit.
You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears
to my cry for relief.”
You came near when I called you,
and you said, “Do not fear.”