Trust Without Borders

I stood with my arms folded, mouth shut.  The songs were swelling around me, but I refused to be moved out of my anger and into worship.  As others sang about God’s faithfulness, my heart wasn’t so sure that was true.  How could I sing to Him when I didn’t even want to talk to Him?

Two weeks ago, I spent several days angry with God for the first time in my life.  I had real doubts about Him.  The things I knew to be true — that He is faithful, good, and able — suddenly didn’t feel true for me.  Instead, it felt like He was withholding goodness for no reason.  What is the point of not giving us the good thing we’re begging Him for?

I was so fed up with Him that I gave Him the silent treatment for a few days.  I wasn’t going to continue feeling like an idiot praying every morning for something He was clearly ignoring.

I was scared.  I’d never truly doubted Him before.  I’d never had my faith shaken like this.  This isn’t how I wanted to handle our struggle.  After a couple of days, I started talking to Him again.  I was still angry, but I figured I might as well fight it out with Him than be miserable without Him.

There’s a song called “Oceans” that I’ve loved the past few months.  It’s easy to get swept up in the melody, which I found myself doing once in the car during that week.

Then, the Lord showed me that these words were how He wants me to see our situation.  These words were what I should say to Him.  This is the right perspective.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I had sung for Him to take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  I certainly would have never wandered into the area of infertility.  It’s not a place I would have willingly walked near, much less rambled around in.  I realize He had to take us here.

When I sing for Him to lead me where my trust is without borders, I have to recognize that for a few days I said that this struggle was my border.  I wouldn’t trust Him past this point.  I wasn’t sure about Him at this point.  A baby became my border.

But oh the last part of that verse: “And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of My Savior.”

As I let Him in despite the anger,  He’s giving me the increased faith I need to move past the doubt.  I wouldn’t have chosen this place, but I can be here because of Him.  He can expand my borders of trust until I am free of anger and doubt.

This is the great unknown for Charlie and me.  When I sing that our feet may fail, I certainly know that mine did for a few days.  Fear surrounded me as I kept my eyes on the waves of disappointment, awful side effects from medicine after medicine, and anger.  But now I am remembering to keep my eyes above the waves, and let them rest on Jesus.

He has “never failed and He won’t start now.”

In this ocean deep, His sovereign hand will be our guide.  He has called us here for whatever reason — a mystery to us — but He will let us walk upon the water and not be taken under.

 

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We are sharing our faith journey through infertility because we know how much hearing others’ experiences has helped us.  While we leave out a lot of specific details, we feel God leading us to share what He’s teaching us.  On the worst days, knowing that others may be encouraged in Him through our willingness to share gives this experience value when we can’t see any otherwise.