The things I don’t want to admit

There are things about God that I believe are true, just as I believe that the sun will rise.

I believe His timing is perfect. I believe His will is best.

Sometimes though, I don’t want to admit those two things. They’re easy to affirm when we’re not waiting in tears and frustration. But when we’re sitting on the side of our bed sobbing on what sometimes feels like a dead end road, I don’t want to admit that His timing is perfect. I don’t want to admit that His will is best.

To my fragile heart, affirming those things lets in the painful possibilities that His timing will have us waiting even longer and that His will may be very different from what is in our hearts. If I believe those things, then I have to open myself to the possibility that we are on a long road.

It feels like accepting those truths about God might leave the door open to more heartache, more frustration, more disappointment and more tears.

Yet, my tired heart also believes God is good. It also believes He loves us.

His goodness and love are the hope that push us forward each day. When we don’t want to acknowledge that His road looks so different from ours, we’re able to keep walking it because we trust Him more than ourselves.

Some days we fall apart. I’ve done that enough to know there’s a sweetness in letting Him hold you together. Some intimacies with Him are only experienced sobbing on the side of the bed.